I have a feeling this is going to be one of my most popular, well-read, well responded to and forwarded-to-friends issues that I will ever write.
One of the most common challenges I hear about from my students is dealing with “flaky” women.
How do you handle it when everything seems to be going smoothly with a woman, and suddenly they stop calling. Or they don’t show up. Or all communication ceases and they just seem to “disappear”.
Now, there are many different schools of thought on this.
Some would say just forget about it and let her go. See if she comes back. And I can see some wisdom in that.
Others say, get angry. Call her on her bullshit. Be really hardcore about it.
I say, the best answer, first and foremost is to gain some
understandings about why a woman can act flaky.
1. She just wasn’t interested in the first place. Ok, that’s
possible, but if you use these tools I am teaching properly and
screen properly, you probably are going to create SOME interest,
most of the time.
2. She had some interest, but not enough to move her forward in
the way you wanted her to.
3. She has some guy(or girl!) in the background that she didn’t tell you about and now she feels guilty and doesn’t want to screw it up with that existing real-hate-shun-ship. Or that person is on an emotional roller coaster with her and is destroying the stability of her moods and her ability to make a decision.
4. She just has problems with intimacy, or her emotions/moods in general. She’s been burned, hurt, is depressed, emotionally unavailable or shut down. Or she’s into drugs and someone offered her a line of coke or a hit of heroin and you went right out the window! Or she’s having a depressive episode and can’t even get out of bed!
5. She’s having some serious life crisis or challenge; a relative is sick, she’s in trouble financially, she’s having legal problems, etc. SHIT HAPPENS, even to the chicks we want.
6. She was interested(and still might be) but you just PUSHED TOO FAST, TOO HARD! You interrupted her own “crush” process and timing with your calls, and attention.
7. Something very positive has happened in her life to distract her: she landed the part in the movie, she got a new job that
excites her, she met someone else who closed the deal on her and
she had awesome, blow-her-mind secks(avoiding the spamfilters here, my friend) with him. Now you are out of the picture.
8. She was very interested. You really got to her. But related to reason #4, she is just not ready for strong emotions right now in her life. You got to her and it scared her silly. It happens.
9. It’s an X-file. A mysterious disappearance that you will never explain, until you come face to face with the Aliens who know all and who secretly pull the strings of human destiny.
Now, on the technical side, maybe you failed to establish sufficient comfort and connection. Or maybe you didn’t get enough intrigue, arousal, and desire. Or maybe she gave you all the signals to close the deal, but for some reason you shied away from it and now she thinks you were just teasing her.
But assuming that isn’t true, that you did everything right and got great responses, if she isn’t returning your calls or is otherwise flaking out or acting cold or you just can’t get ahold of her, consider it one or more of the 9 things going on.
The Very Powerful 10th Reason!
Now, let me state a 10th reason: on the unconscious level, she is looking for someone who is strong enough(and HONEST ENOUGH) to call her on her bullshit, without seeming needy in the process.
You see, I think women crave a man who is strong and also someone who is honest enough to express it when he is not happy with her behavior, WITHOUT being punishing and cruel about it. (Ok, so chicks do want and respond to punishment, but I am assuming you don’t want to be around THEM!)
They Want To Trust You AND They Want You To Be Strong
When you call a woman on her crap(without seeming needy or out of control) you are creating trust and showing your strength.
Because she gets that you are not just saying something “nice” to get into her pants. You are actually saying something that may risk offending her and even turning her away from you and yet you still do it because you are honorable and confident enough to speak your truth AND
……You Are Willing To Walk Away!
Your saying what you really think, because letting her hear your
truth regardless of what happens is important to you. And being
willing to risk offending her and not having her in your life
demonstrates to her that you really are a guy with self-respect and a guy who has other options and that she’ll have to do some work for you.
Remember, if a woman wants you a little bit, she will want you a
lot more if she has to work for you and if she feels she can trust the communication from you!
Here is the formula:
Some interest on her part + trusting you are being sincere + seeing she has to work for you + seeing you have self-respect and you are willing to walk away = SUDDEN INCREASE IN INTEREST!
More On Creating Trust
To understand women, bear in mind that even(and especially) the
hottest women have lots of fear-based emotions around intimacy and sex. In fact, the hot ones are the ones who have probably been most lied to, because most guys will say and do anything to get a hot piece!
So when you say something that might actually drive her away,
paradoxically, it creates trust in her.
Because now she starts to see that you are NOT like those other guys who will put up with anything or say anything “nice” if it
will get them into her pants.
Instead, she perceives that you WILL tell her what you really think, what you really want and what you expect, even if she doesn’t like it and even if it might drive her away!
Avoiding The Two Faces Of Needy!
Bear in mind that being punitive and nasty in your tone or words
is not going to work with any self-respecting women. (I am
assuming you do not want to attract the damaged ones).
It will both turn her off and scare her.
(There is a time for genuine, non-punitive anger, later in the
relationship, once she is deeply invested in you. But now is not the time!)
So you will NOT lose control and get angry.
Not only would this scare her, but more importantly: getting angry and losing l control spells needy and desperate, as needy and desperate as someone who whines and begs for her attention.
Angry/loss of control = aggressive needy
Begging/whining = submissive needy.
It is all still being needy, one way or another.
So no whining. And no anger. Period. They both convey needy and needy drives women away like a crucifix to a vampire!
(By the way, emotionally damaged women who are very submissive
mistakenly view aggressively needy men as being manly and confident! A sick dynamic and another reason to stay away from
that kind of response!)
So you will not get angry and punitive(unless you want sick women!)
Nor will you get clingy, whinny and desperate.
The best stance for you to take, for yourself, is to be “neutral”.
Neutral just means you acknowledge, to yourself(not her!) the facts of the situation.
That you don’t like what is going on.
That you don’t know for sure why it is happening.
And that you don’t like that you don’t know.
That, my friend, is neutral.
You would like things to change and be different, you will give it your best shot, but you acknowledge that you really don’t know what is happening.
Remember, these are all understandings to have for yourself, and
not necessarily something you will verbalize to her.
Being neutral keeps you out of the drama of assuming things for the worst. It opens the opportunity and possibility (though not a guarantee) that things could work better. And it keeps you clear
and emotionally stable and balanced in an area of life that probably has, up until now, been very hard and very challenging
All good outcomes for something so simple: being clear and neutral.
Ok. We’ve gone on long enough in this issue. In part II, I will tell you how to construct your responses in a way that gives her an opportunity to step up to the plate and show much better behavior toward you and do it in a way that also highly raises her interest, even getting her to suddenly pursue you! So tune in tomorrow and tell your friends!
Peace and piece,
aldy Harold A.K.A. VJ
P.S. As you can see, I really do want you to have all the success you could ever want with women, without begging or bullying. Being angry and punishing will work: with women who feel a deep need to be punished. But trust me, the drama and pain they will bring to you, the chaos and emotional roller coasters are NOT WORTH IT